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16 February, 2000 - (SEASON ONE/S1)
A Life on the
Sidelines...
by ScreamKing
Football is my life... without it I have
nothing and that's quite a thing to say from a world that offers us so
much, so many opportunities and so many different adventures...
However, the only offer, the only adventure
and the only dream I've ever had since I was a small boy, was to be a
professional footballer. I've dreamed for the day to walk out onto a
pitch on a Saturday afternoon and be proud to boast that I was a
professional... I've learnt through life though, that despite things
being right and rosy one minute, the next the lights can turn out so
fast your chance has gone before you can even blink...
At 17 years old my chances of becoming a
professional get more slimmer by the day... the thought of what I'm
going to do for the rest of my life frightens me... I've only ever
wanted to play football and it's basically the only thing I know of...
From reading the papers, to playing, to playing football management
simulators, talking and chatting and to SAS... my whole world resides
around this beautiful game...
However, beauty is within and there is a
dark, dark side to football and it's a horrifying reality that many
kids, like myself, have faced and never conquered... At 10-12 years old
I had the world at my feet... I was an able footballer and was a lot
better than most kids I knew, even children of two or three years my
age... I had clubs queuing up to have a look... Arsenal, Liverpool,
Millwall to name a few were all interested in taking me on... but
loyalty always got to me...
I first joined Queens Park Rangers at the
age of just 10 years old and by the time I'd reached 12, I'd already
been training with the Under 18's... That, for a kid of 12, is pretty
good. Albeit it was probably only for 6-8 weeks, but to play with young
adults at such an early age meant that I must have been doing something
good...
Many of you will sit there and say;
"Hey, what happened then? Why aren't you playing for
England?". Well, to be honest I don't know what went wrong... I
question myself every single day and look for something that caused my
downfall... or did I even fall? For me, being a professional was all I
wanted... if that meant playing in Division 3 all my career then so be
it... Of course everyone has ambitions, everyone wants fame and glory,
but for me, being a professional was just the target I wanted to
achieve... it meant so much to me... I knew guys who said they wouldn't
play in this division or that division or wouldn't play for this club or
that club... football is football to me, I'll play for anyone so long as
they give me the chance.
At 12 years old, things started changing in
my life... I believe a large number of factors played a part in my
downfall and failure to make it a professional. At 12 I suffered my
first real major injury problem when I tore my groin muscle on my debut
for a Sunday league club... what's more stupid is I'm the kind of player
who won't give in - so I played on that day ignoring the pain... A silly
mistake which I can only describe as being stupid and childish... I
spent the next six months with on and off groin problems and always
suffered pain whilst kicking a ball...
Again, childish as it may seem, I never
once told anyone I was in pain... I didn't want the club to know, I
wanted to play football... Did my form drop? Yes... so did my pace - the
groin injury took about a second off my speed over a hundred metre's...
A second doesn't sound much, but believe me when I say it's a lot when
it comes to running... At 12 years old I could run 100 metre's in about
12/13 seconds and now, I'd be surprised if I could run 100 metres in 14
seconds...
The groin injury plagued me for four
years... The second time I did it in was when I was 13... This time I
had trials with Liverpool football club. I was due to travel up to
Anfield over the weekend and train from what I was told, with the first
team squad. Three weeks before this trial was due I did my groin whilst
over training... This time I went on crutches... the groin was so
bad that I was on the crutches for three weeks and came off a day after
my trials would have finished... Gutted isn't a word I'd use to describe
the feeling that, that gives you...
Further more, I'd put off an operation as I
was worried it would hamper my learning experience. At the time I was
still a young boy as well, so the muscles hadn't grown maturely enough
anyway to sustain the surgeon's knife...
So with the groin in the thick of things
football was always on and off up until the age of 16... At the age of
12 after I'd been with Queens Park Rangers for 2 years I finally made my
debut for them... A second half substitute against Manchester
United saw me come out man of the match and I grabbed a hat-trick too..
;)
However, you may ask me; "If you were
meant to be so good, why were you a sub?"... As a matter of fact I
was nearly always a sub... This was one of the most frustrating things
I've faced... Football is a dirty game behind the scenes and the people
who run the clubs youth policies aren't always the most ideal... QPR
Football Club are some of the worst for this and it hurts to say it... I
witnessed so many "back hand" deals and so much good talent
overlooked... Why? Is anybodies guess... There were players in the team
who literally couldn't even kick straight, it was that bad!
As a young kid seeing that, I obviously
didn't like it... I've got a big personality on and off the pitch
and am often the captain of my side. I speak my mind when the time is
right and perhaps QPR didn't like it when I spoke my mind on these
matters. I felt they took liberties with me when I decided to stay loyal
for so long. Millwall chased me for two years and I wanted to go there
when I was ten but couldn't at the time because you had to live within a
5 mile radius of the football club... QPR were 2 minutes on foot up the
road so it was always easy to go there.
I suppose my best memories at QPR were
playing in London Euro '96 where a lot of big clubs from the country
came down to London to play in this competition... we finished runners
up of the tournament although we were again unlucky not to win it...
Basically cheated out of it by a dodgy, dodgy referee... However I ended
up being one of the players of the tournament and again, out of six
games I was sub in four, started one game and missed the other... and
that summed it up really... I came off the bench four times to lead us
to wins and only got to start one game... It was cruel and nasty in my
opinion and really quite silly in the end... I think a lot of the other
lads, especially many of the other over looked ones felt sorry for the
way I got treated, but more importantly I felt sorry for us all for the
way we were treated...
My confidence in them wasn't exactly the
highest and it wasn't long before one of the most respected coaches was
sacked for selling cocaine to the youth players... Surprise surprise!...
I left QPR at the age of 16... The reason behind this was quite
simple... I spoke with the coaches about moving me up to the full youth
team in order to get a contract and they agreed to this... 'Yeah yeah
we'll put you up there.' Or 'I think it's about time we moved you up to
the full school of excellence.'... what a bunch of rubbish that
was... they lied to me and basically told me what I wanted to hear and
how many others they do and did that to is anybodies guess... The final
straw came for me when we visited Fulham in an away fixture...
As usual I travelled down after having to
contact them (they never rang me)... Surprisingly as it may seemed I got
there and found out the game was for Under 15's only... I never showed
them my anger, but instead coolly decided to stay and cheer them on... I
was that kind of guy... it became even worse as I wish I never did
stay... I ended up coaching one of the Under 14's teams against Fulham
and I think they were basically extremely surprised with my coaching
ability... However, just as things looked up on the bright side it all
turned sour...
At the end of the game I was standing next
to the coach when the top Fulham head scout came walking by... My coach
told me to go away for a second and I did... but curious to hear what
they were talking about I listened in on the conversation and was
shocked, saddened and once again frustrated to hear my coach arranging
on the sly for his son to be let into Fulham... the other coach was
agreeing to the deal and fair enough, if your good you deserve a
chance... Unfortunately his son can't kick a ball to save his life...
This annoyed me so much that I quit the next day... I literally had
enough and walked out without saying goodbye or anything...
Prior to this Fulham game we had to have a
large training match... There were about 25 lads and amazingly as it may
seem, I for once started the game. (It was so bad I was often made
sub, even in training!)... This time I was on the left wing and inside
the opening two minutes I scored twice... 2-0 we won and I hit the net
with my first touch, twice in a row ;) Wicked or what?
Now, again here's the weird part... I
wonder a lot if they did this purposely to me... up until this point I
was already extremely frustrated and they happened to phone all 24 other
lads that the Fulham game was off or never even existed... So they
deliberately let me travel down and waste my time... The reason for
this, which I feel is the main reason was a couple of weeks before hand
I probably played in my last ever game for QPR... Yet, I didn't exactly
play for them!
LOL, no no no... I'd learnt my lessons down
the years and adapted to their extremely horrifying management skills. A
team came down from Brazil to play us and as usual the coach wanted big
things. He knew their manager and was really up for this game... With
about 18 or so lads in our team the Brazilian team turned up a man
short.... I knew instantly that I wasn't going to start so I volunteered
to go on their side... Without the QPR coach even allowing me or
announcing his team sheet I'd trudged over and asked for one of their
shirts... They looked at me, probably thinking 'Whose this idiot?' and
probably thought I was going to cheat and let QPR win... How wrong they
were... QPR did win 5-1, which meant my team won although I played for
the Brazilian side... The scoreline though didn't reflect the truth over
what happened in that game... I played probably the best game I've ever
had in front of the QPR coaches and I literally ran rings around my own
team... I made them look so stupid and silly at times that it was
embarrassing...
My friends, the other 'overlooked' ones
were of course substitutes and I can still remember them chanting and
rooting for me on the sidelines as I ran around defenders... I remember
giving them a little wink and their grins said it all... I took the p***
basically and I didn't care either... It was my way of sticking two
fingers up to the QPR team and it was the last time I played for QPR,
although not featuring for the actual team... Haha :)
My actual last game for QPR before that was
again against Fulham at their ground in Bisham Abbey... As usual I was
sub and the parents were even surprised... A lot had known me and
knew that I was being unfairly treated... I don't even think I got
kit for that game :( However, as usual I cheered us on and we were
winning 2-0 with 7 minutes on the clock remaining.... I thought I was
never going to get on so I just trudged over to the coach and almost
demanded that he put me on and stop wasting my time... He gave me a look
but couldn't exactly tell me to f*** off in front of the other
parents... He put me on.... Seven minutes later the final whistle went
and we'd finished winning the game 7-0... Need I say anymore? LOL - I
never scored but I set up three and played a good part in the other two
goals... I had one shot that, out of pier frustration would have taken
the goalkeeper off his feet had it hit him, but it soared just over.
That was the treatment I was given by the
QPR deal... Not pretty... I always hoped in my heart they'd see through
and give me the chance I yearned for... It never came though and as the
years passed I slowly slipped further down the ladder... I gave 200% in
training let alone 100%... I can't say that the rest of the main players
did... Sure they had one or two good players, of course they did... but
I still believe I was pretty much head and shoulders above them all...
the players all saw it, perhaps QPR saw it too, but for one reason or
another it just never worked out.
Six years is a long time to waste with any
football side and I soon wrote to possibly 50 or 60 league clubs
requesting a trial. Norwich City were the only team to reply after about
2 months of trying... Bad news for me, I hadn't played and had to travel
down to Norwich and worse still, I played rubbish... It annoyed me cos
the talent there was good, but nothing I felt I couldn't match or
better... They had guys playing for England and so fourth so I was again
extremely frustrated but this time with myself.
I let myself down for the first time and I
can simply hold my hands up and say I didn't deserve to be a
professional or to get a contract with Norwich on that performance...
I'd been awake most of that night... Excitement got to me, why wouldn't
it? Up at 4am and travelling down for 9am... We played for 4 long hours
on a full sized pitch - I was knackered... I knew from the moment I was
getting tired that I was going to struggle to pull through... I
think they liked me a lot and I certainly liked them... They were
extremely nice and treated me better than in my whole six years at QPR...
I am grateful for the opportunity they gave me but also so annoyed I
didn't take the chance they gifted... My dream, from that point on
evaporated...
The Norwich coaches were speaking to me
quietly on the side... They knew I was intelligent and probably knew I
was a good footballer... they told me there that I hadn't got in but not
in a so direct manner... They asked me what I wanted to do in life and I
simply told them I didn't know... Something held me back and I don't
know what it was... Perhaps for once I had accepted I wasn't good
enough? I don't know... Had I said I wanted and always wanted to play
football, then who knows? Maybe they would have taken me? The Norwich
lads even seemed to like me a lot and were really nice on the day...
However the Norwich coaches informed me that they felt I could become a
professional but told me that perhaps my best route lied in taking the
long way - the non league route...
I agreed to this as at the time it seemed
realistic... I wasn't match fit on the day and it must have shown as I
was shattered after... For someone of 16 years old I'd never had the
cramp before in my whole life... that day I experienced it for the first
time and it remains the only time I've ever got cramp...
Here's now the weird part... I went away
with my head held up high... I knew in my heart that the time had
probably come to stop and say that I wasn't good enough, not physically
anyway... perhaps not even mentally, who knows... But the words that
they said to me - saying that they felt I was good enough to go pro but
to go through non league confirmed in my heart that I was good enough
and that I could live the rest of my life in peace knowing that I did
have the ability to be a professional...
This eased things for me and no sooner had
I suddenly given up I had started training with a men's side. Playing
football with men is a lot different... The physical side of the game is
harsh and it took a while to get used to and I believe again that I can
handle playing top flight football... These days I only play once or
twice at the most per week... It's hardly professional material is it?
However for someone who doesn't play much football nowadays I am still
literally better than most of the people I play with, even the men...
I still don't know what lies in the future
for me... I have no idea what I'll do in the next ten years... I've
always told myself that if I don't play football for a living then
there's not much point in doing anything else... that's what has
basically happened to me really... I've recently got a job in
computing, it's good pay for someone of 17... I earn almost a grand if
not over a grand per week... It's a lot of money but I'd still swap that
for £50 per week to be a pro... I'm not fussy, are you?
What hurts me most is when I see other
young lads who have made it or are higher up than myself and I know they
don't or didn't want it as much as I did/do. I've seen youths drinking,
on drugs, smoking and god knows what... I've never been clubbing in my
life or anything like that either. That may seem sad or boring to you
but it would just underline how serious I was and how much I wanted
to be a pro.
I've never drank, taken drugs or smoked in
my life. I don't want to either... the Millwall coach who I worked with
for five years (From the age of 7-12) gave me the one piece of advice
that stays with me forever... He told me simply at the rate I was going,
that if I stayed "off the drugs, smoking and the
booze..." then I'd have the "whole world at my feet"... I
did what he said but at 17 the whole world hasn't yet arrived at my feet
and I'm still waiting...
As for football and wanting to be a pro - I
still do obviously... But it's not that easy anymore... I've lost heart
at times through my frustrations along the way... the injuries, the
backhand deals, the other youths who I felt didn't deserve to be
there... they all made me lose heart... it showed that I wasn't strong
enough in the end but I'm the type of guy that thinks awkwardly... I
know how good I was back then and know if I kept going I could have gone
very far indeed... that annoys me... knowing I will probably never fill
my fullest potential makes me feel like not even trying to fill half...
it's a silly theory but I always thrive to be the best I can possibly
have been, and at 17 I can't do that anymore...
Thanks again for reading, I could write
probably another 50 pages worth down here but know it's not that
entertaining to read... However, I do know that if you work hard, not
even overly hard, you can make your wildest dreams come true... The more
I look at football now, the more I cannot believe I never made it...
This goes for a lot of things... For any youngsters out there who have
dreams and goals, work hard, persevere and give your all and you'll get
what you want in life.
ScreamKing
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